“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me. “ Luke 9:23
This has been one of my life verses since my teen years. I used to think that I had a pretty good idea of what it means to deny myself. It means to submit my will to God and to follow him with all my heart. And then I had kids…. And I learned what denying myself really means.
Denying myself means never sleeping more than two hours straight because someone needs me to feed them. It means never going anywhere by myself, not even to use the bathroom, because someone demands my constant attention. It means that I am always the last one to eat a meal, no matter how hungry I am, because I have to feed everyone else before I can feed myself. It means sacrificing my one chance at a nap to spend a few precious moments reading my Bible. Having kids has shown me just how selfish I really am because I often struggle with constantly putting my children’s needs above my own (fortunately they give me little choice in this matter). Even in the midst of writing this I have had to stop many times to attend to the needs of my children.
I ask myself the question: what is god teaching me through years of sleep deprivation and a lack of solitude. He is teaching me that I really don’t know what it means to deny myself. He is teaching me to hunger for him and to appreciate the few precious moments I do get alone in his presence. He is teaching me what it really means to put others needs above my own. Finally, he is teaching me the importance of grace: the grace my husband and I extend to one another when we are tired and say things we don’t mean; the grace my children extend to me when I blow it as a parent; the grace I extend to my children when they are sick or tired and having a rough day; and the grace God extends to all of us for dying to save such selfish people.
So I dedicate this post to my children for teaching me on a daily basis what it means to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow my Saviour.
